My experiences as an amateur photographer on social media over the past 5 years have mostly been positive. I have met some of my best friends and some incredible people through the app and am forever grateful for the experiences I have been lucky enough to enjoy. Of course, like most people I have had some shitty times along the way but I have always managed to bounce back from these and still remain dedicated and positive about Instagram, until lately.
As a single mum who works full time with 2 teenagers and a "faux" 2nd job helping to run a busy and successful community Instagram account I don't have a lot of time to go out and meet people, so my main form of social interaction is through Instagram and Facebook and I find myself spending many hours online chatting to friends at night when I'm by myself. Some of these people I have met and know well and value them as friends, some I have only met briefly but have good connections with them and others I have never met but have formed friendships that are comfortable and have been created over 5 years without having to meet in person. I also have many men who message me (as I'm sure all women do online), some of these guys are harmless and just lonely who want someone to chat to, others are annoying and have to be told to go away, I usually can tell which category they fall into after a short period of time and I try to remain polite and friendly so as not to cause any negative vibes online. I'm all about keeping it positive on social media.
A few months ago I started chatting to a guy through IG who I had been following for awhile, we had chatted briefly before, answering each other's stories and he had always seemed pleasant and friendly. I loved his photos and we struck up a conversation about everything you could possibly imagine. We chatted intensely for a week, all day and at night and by the end of the week we had gone on our first date where we took photos and had dinner. We got along well and I liked him. He had a little boy and although that wouldn't normally be something I would be looking for I was willing to go with the flow and see what happened. He told me he hadn't been with anyone for 6 months and was divorced and hadn't met anyone like me for a long time. I was swept off my feet and excited about maybe finally meeting someone who I could hang out with and had something in common with.
After seeing each other a few times over a couple of weeks I had fallen hard but he always remained pretty private and wasn't opening up to me like you normally would after seeing each other for a few weeks. I noticed he would get a little nasty if I pressured him too much to take things a bit quicker and he started to back off and stopped texting me as much and I felt the vibe change. I figured he wasn't that into me anymore and although I was super disappointed I decided to give him the opportunity to bow out by texting him telling him I wasn't feeling it anymore and that we should just be friends. His answer to that text was to completely do a 360 and ask me to give it another go and he explained that he had been so busy at work and with his little boy and that I had come out of the blue and he really wanted to get to know me better and to start again.
Of course I decided to give it another go because I did genuinely like him.
What followed over the next 3 months was an absolute roller coaster and not one of those fun ones at the theme parks, more like one of those terrifying ones that make you want to vomit when you eventually get off.
He had a way of making me feel that I was too needy when I wanted to see him, that I was too pushy when I asked him personal questions and he kept me at a distance not letting me know the real person he was. He was always incredibly busy, working away and looking after his son but he kept me hanging in there, texting me randomly when he felt I was drifting away and saying all the right things when I asked him if he still wanted to see me. For some reason I kept thinking that maybe I was rushing things and that I should slow down and let things happen at a pace that suited him. The red flags were practically blinding me but I kept going.
Eventually, after a few more weeks, I tired of the anxiety he was causing me and decided I had had enough. I text him I was done and of course he turned it around and made out that I was the one with the problem, that I was a drama queen and way too needy and that it was such a shame as he was just starting to feel close to me.
I decided to get on Tinder which I hated but needed to take my mind off him and thought that dating would help me move on. I had 3 dates but unfortunately none of these worked out and one night a few weeks after we had stopped talking he text me asking how I was. He caught me at a bad time and I made the stupid mistake of telling him I was feeling depressed and he managed to get me talking, telling him about my dates. He completely sweet talked me and the next thing I knew I was asking if we could give it another try because I missed him! I honestly don't know what the the fuck I was thinking at this point, I was just so fucked up by him that I wanted to work something out to prove to myself that I could have a successful relationship. We agreed to start again and see what happened. We began texting every day again and saw each other a few times. We hadn't slept together for awhile though and this was the part that baffled me, why was I so infatuated with this guy when we didn't even have a good sexual connection? What the fuck was it that made me want to be with him so much, even though when we were actually together he didn't even make me feel good about myself?
Over the next few weeks the situation didn't improve. He was "breadcrumbing" me which I found out meant randomly texting me just to keep me hanging on but never actually making any effort to be with me. All of my friends begged me to block him and every day I would wake up promising not to contact him but then something would happen and I would text him and I would be back to where I started. I lost weight, couldn't sleep and was suffering anxiety for the first time since my marriage breakup. He was your typical narcissist, charming and convincing when he needed to be but nasty and mean if I ever questioned him about anything which didn't make sense.
I was at work one day in the midst of the anxiety he was constantly causing me when I received a message from a lady on IG whom I had briefly told about my situation but had never told her who it was I was seeing. She asked me if I would tell her because she had been getting flirty messages from someone on IG and her gut instinct told her it was the same guy, and of course it was! I felt physically sick and was so angry. Why had I kept it going after that first break? Just stupid behaviour on my behalf.
A few days later I was shooting sunrise with a friend who I had met only a few weeks before but we had a great connection and I had told her what was happening with him and she told me he had actually privately messaged her too and had tried to strike up a bit of a flirty conversation which she had quickly put a stop to as she was happily married. I was so upset that I had let this guy come into my life and treat me so badly and that I had been completely blindsided by him.
The night before I had posted a meme about Instagram being just as bad as Tinder on my story. A random girl who followed me answered my story while I was shooting sunrise, telling me she related to my meme as she was having a crappy time with a guy she was seeing whom she met through Instagram. Something just clicked in my gut and I knew it was the same guy I had been seeing. I asked her what his name was and my suspicions were correct. We rang each other comparing stories and talking for an hour. Both of us were in shock, the lies and deceit were next level. He had been seeing her since December, me since February. We spent the day messaging each other trying to figure out all of his lies and we both text him telling him we knew of his deceit which of course caused a huge shit storm. Looking back now that day is just a huge blur.
But it gets worse, as I was dropping my daughter to her friends later that afternoon, another girl from Instagram who I had met briefly before, answered my meme saying she had had a bad experience with a guy she met through Instagram. I asked what his name was and guess what, SAME GUY! She had been in a relationship with him since Sept last year, up until February this year, so although our time didn't cross over, it sure did with the first girl. We created a group chat and spent all night dissecting all the lies and deceit.
That night while I was in bed, he text me, asking how I was. I didn't even know how to react or feel. I knew that although we had never officially been in a relationship, the lies he had told me and the stories he had concocted had rocked me and I was deeply hurt, but yet I was still letting him text me, apologising and begging me to forgive him, telling me he was never with these other girls in a relationship and that they were both crazy.
Over the next few days, the group chat got one extra member, his ex-girlfriend who I already knew through Instagram and invited to the chat, her time with him had been a lot longer and intense than any of us and her pain and anxiety was still so raw. She filled us in with all of her experiences with him and we were shocked to learn of the extent of his lying and deceit over many years and with so many other girls. He was relentless with his pursuing of woman to feed his ego.
Over the next week he messaged me constantly, telling me he was depressed, begging me to help him, ringing me trying to explain that he was fucked up but it was all because he had lost the love of his life and he couldn't stand the pain and that was why he was so terrible at relationships.
For some reason I kept taking the calls, answering the messages, feeling sorry for him and doing what I could to cheer him up. What was wrong with me?? I had always been a strong person who didn't take any shit but when it came to this man I was at a loss why I kept answering his texts and why I even wanted him still in my life after all the terrible things he had done to me and so many other innocent girls. He had lied to me constantly and cheated on me and and it actually sickened me that I was being so weak.
I had never let a guy treat me like this before and I am nearly 50!
It is now a month since that morning when it all came to a head and looking back I can honestly say that I am ashamed of my behavior during that month. I have had so many moments of weakness when I allowed him back in my life, thinking we could be friends and allowing him to still treat me badly. I have been weak and pathetic and I've hated myself but I have finally had enough of being taken advantage of. I have found the strength to move on and not let him be a part of my life anymore.
It has definitely been a battle but I am confident I am winning that battle now. I have formed a bond with the other girls that we share because we have all experienced this persons bad behavior and I'm sure there are many more women out there who have experienced it too. I just feel sad for the innocent women that will fall under his spell in the future and I hope that he maybe one day he realises how many hearts he has broken before he breaks too many more. I think we all need to trust our gut instincts more and when the red flags are blinding please make sure you favourite colour isn't red!
They say everything happens for a reason and I don't really know if that is true but I have met some beautiful people through this experience who have been super supportive and have helped me find my inner strength again so I think that might just be the reason this happened, for all of us to find these beautiful friendships to support each other and get strong again.
Instagram has definitely changed my life in many good ways and has also taught me some pretty hard lessons but I will always be grateful for the friendships I have created along the way and I will definitely be a lot smarter when it comes to meeting men through social media in the future!
Katie xx
Omg Katie, Im sad and shocked to read about this and I know exactly how you feel ������ Joe did this to me for 18 months!! so many red flags that i just didnt see! Absolutely broke my soul by giving and giving and giving and getting shitted on costantly...massive lies, like you wouldnt believe. how could
ReplyDeletesomeone ever be like that and treat someone as cool as us the way they did!A true nassacist that I didn't even know about...Im still healing from the amount of shit he put me through...I lost parts of me that I will never get back or be the same again. I hate myself for letting someone do that to me...and over and over again..gas lighting also...I hope one day we are both blessed with the best that we most definitely deserve ��✊��❤ Thanks so much for sharing your story xx