My first born turned 8 this week.  8 years on a roller coaster of emotions which have been both amusing and surprising.  Way back before children I never would have imagined that this journey would have been so fraught with challenges and emotions that I would relate to motherhood. Of course there are all the usual emotions that are natural for any parent and don't even need describing but I will anyway.  Joy, pride, elation, relief and of course love, but there are also so many emotions that are not as easy to admit, fear, jealousy, anger, resentment and sometimes even hatred! Yes that's right, I said it, hatred. To explain my emotions I guess I need to start at the beginning of my parenthood journey which was not a normal journey. 
Unfortunately my path to pregnancy was not an easy one and luckily my desire to have children kept me going when the path seemed too hard and emotional.  Here is where all the emotions start happening.

My hubby and I wanted a baby and we started the journey like most couples, went off the pill and started bonking like crazy. I was 31 at the time. After 6 months with no success I went to an obstetrician and told him I didn't feel my body was normal, I had painful and heavy periods and they were not regular. He didn't really listen to me and told me that most couples fell pregnant after 12 months of trying so go back and keep bonking at the right times of the month.  Within that time I decided to see a fertility specialist on the Gold Coast that I had heard great reports about and she told me to take my temperature every morning and drink a hideous herbal concoction that made me dry wretch every morning. After a few months of this torture she told me I had one ovary which was not working properly and to go back and see my obstetrician.

So 12 months after we had started trying to conceive I found myself waiting to go in for an endoscopy, the Dr told me I would be out in about 45 minutes.  3 hours later I was returned to recovery in extreme pain and was told by this Dr that I had chronic endometriosis and that he had had to scrape my entire insides out and that there was no way I would have been able to fall pregnant in that state!  Also FYI I had a enlarged ovary so my chances of falling pregnant naturally were halved! 
This is where the yukky emotions start, anger, resentment and fear.  Why had I  not insisted he do this 6 months earlier when I told him that I didn't feel my body was right?  This experience made me realise that we do know our bodies better than anybody else and that I needed to be more forceful in the future.

Amazingly 3 months later I was pregnant! The feelings of elation were amazing and we were ecstatic.  This was until week 5 when I woke up feeling hungover with no vodkas having been consumed.  WTF?? This morning sickness thing was not fun at all. I somehow managed to keep it hidden from my work colleagues for 9 weeks by vomiting in different toilets in a highrise office building to make sure the vomit smell was not just on level 11.  It was challenging but I managed, as us women do.

One night I woke up not feeling sick.  Ok this was new, I was only 9 weeks and wasn't the sickness thing supposed to be for 12 weeks?  I went to the toilet and yes there was blood.  Of course I panicked, I knew my body and I didn't feel sick and I knew I had lost the baby even before the nurse told me during the scan the heartbeat was not there.

The devastation emotion kicked in.  I had not even thought of a miscarriage prior to this, I didn't realise that this happened so commonly and I had been so focused on being sick I never thought I would lose the little sucker.  9 weeks of sickness all for nothing.  Anger, guilt, resentment they all reared their ugly heads.

To help with my loss I bought a puppy.  Animals were my great love and this little puppy helped ease the pain.  We also moved states so I could be back home with my family, I realised that I needed my mum through this journey and who knew how long a journey it would be.

I found a new Dr who was so much nicer than the old one and I wrote him a history of what had happened already in my quest to have a baby.  He sat and read my essay quietly for a few minutes then said, lets book you in for another endoscopy next week my girl, you are not getting any younger so we need to get you a baby asap.  I loved this Dr already!

The endoscopy revealed the endometriosis had come back and that the bung ovary was not looking good.  He cleaned me out as best he good and came to see me in recovery.  "Listen Katie, I don't think you will ever fall pregnant naturally due to too much scarring in there so lets talk about IVF."

I started IVF on the 1st of January 2003. I was very lucky to have 12 good embryos which is a magnificent result so says my Dr. My first attempt to get pregnant was not successful, disappointment.  My second attempt was successful but they warned me it didn't look good and 5 days later I was bleeding.  I knew my body and I hadn't felt pregnant so my mind had told me not to get excited when the results came back positive.  Of course I had been right and it didn't stick.  Thankfully my emotions were ok for this one. I was starting to get used to this rollercoaster.  On the 3rd go with the frozen embryos I had a good feeling and sure enough I started to feel pregnant so when the results came back positive I already knew.  Unfortunately this was when the fear started.  The fear of miscarriage.  Every time I went to the toilet I panicked, blood? No, oh thank god.  Then of course the sickness came at week 5, the sickness was worse than any hangover you can imagine and its not morning sickness, its all day sickness. 

At our first scan we were amazed to find out there were 2 foetus,  Twins. Elation would best describe my emotion at this time mixed with fear and horror! Of course we knew twins was a possibility considering we had put 2 embryos in there but to actually imagine having twins, well that was scary.
I was so lucky my employers were a small family owned business and understood my morning sickness, unfortunately there was only 1 level here and 1 set of toilets so I wasn't able to share my spewing around!

The fear of miscarriage was still hanging around and when I discovered blood at 8 weeks of course I thought the worst. Panic mode swept in and we rushed to the clinic.  During the scan we found out we had lost one of the babies. My emotions were so confused during this time, my disappointment was drowned out by relief that we still had one baby. My grief was being smothered by my happiness and I felt guilty that I wasn't sadder about losing one.
Of course my sickness continued, 8 months of pure torture, why wasn't it ending? I felt so useless, I couldn't function properly, I remember walking my dog and vomiting as I walked around the park, just stepping to one side and chucking up.  My husband soldiered on and ran the house.  We both prayed for the day it would end. It didn't.  I finished work on December 24th 2004.  It was the happiest day, my employers had been so understanding and I was so grateful to them for enduring my sickness and lack of motivation. If only every pregnant ladies employers could be the same.

We were booked in to be induced on the 2nd of Feb 2005.  On the 31st of January my waters broke.  Now I had heard about waters breaking but I wasn't sure that a constant fountain of water was supposed to happen?  Nothing would stop it, the towel I had between my legs on the way to the hospital was soaked, I hadn't had any contractions but my body didn't feel right.  A sense of panic set in.  The Dr on duty came to see me and check me out, 2 centre metres dilated but why wouldn't this water stop flowing?  A scan revealed my baby's head was tilted so far backwards that her head wasn't in the birth canal to stop the water. This was a problem and I was so scared.  Please don't let 8 months of sickness be a waste.  My Dr was not available so I had to deal with a stranger, he didn't know my journey, he didn't know my struggles.  It was brought to his attention that this baby was conceived via IVF and for some reason he decided that because of this he would get it out asap via a caesarean.  I wondered if he would have let me try a natural birth if I had fallen pregnant naturally? I was baffled but happy it was going to be coming out sooner rather than later.  Exactly 30 Minutes later I was getting my tummy cut open and my daughter was born.  She came out screaming and I would have been screaming too if my little face had been so scrunched up.  Her poor head had been pushed up against my uterus and her nose was so flat she looked Japanese. She was ok and amazingly my sickness was gone.  I felt normal, absolutely normal, oh except I couldn't feel my legs but who cares! I didn't feel sick.  I was elated, I had a daughter and I didn't feel sick anymore. 
My pregnancy journey was over, my struggles were all but forgotten, my motherhood journey was about to begin and I was feeling every emotion possible. Infact I was a huge ball of emotion and little did I realise this journey was going to be the biggest roller coaster I had ever been on. 

Part 2, baby number 2 comes and the rollercoaster of emotions continues