So being the mother of a first born child brings many emotions. Of course there are the ones that go without saying, love, joy, pride, relief, they are the good ones. The bad ones can include fear, insecurity, overwhelmment (is that a word even?) I experienced all of these emotions in the first few weeks of bringing our daughter home.
The one emotion that I do remember suffering from quite badly is fear, fear of not being able to protect my child from the world and all the bad things that happen in it. I lay awake at night sobbing quietly to myself because I was so scared of something terrible happening to her or even to me! What If I died and she grew up not having a mother, especially someone as fabulous as me! How would she survive if my husband married someone else who wasn't as funny as me or as clever as me or as gorgeous as me? These things sent me slightly crazy. One particular day comes to mind when my inlaws were visiting from Sydney, my mother in law asked to take the baby for a walk in the pram and I was so reluctant to say yes but I didn't want to look like one of those crazy over protective mothers so I said yes with a little bit of fear in my heart. At the time we lived near a busy street and all I could think of was a car careening off the road and taking my daughter with it. There was an ad on TV at the time which showed that very scene and I kept seeing it in my head. That hour she was gone was the most traumatic I had experienced in years and I really began to think I had a problem.
Fortunately this fear eventually passed and I got along with learning all about newborns. Luckily the breastfeeding thing came quite easily but the sleeping thing, that was a different story. Why don't tired babies just go to sleep? How is it possible to get overtired after only being awake for an hour? These things baffled hub and I and we struggled every night to get her to sleep. Countless hours were spent pacing the tiles and both of us kept the chiropractor busy for a few months. I eventually came to my senses and googled how to get babies to sleep, a book called Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child arrived in the mail and this was my bible. I read it from cover to cover in one day and started the process of getting her to sleep. Within a week we had a different baby, she slept as soon as we put her in the cot and went for a naps without a problem. I honestly believe that is the reason she has always been such a good sleeper, getting those habits right from the beginning was a life saver. Unfortunately it was a different story with her brother who was to come a little later.
Being Tahlia's mother was great but it was also a challenge, she hated being in the pram and also hated being in the car which was unfortunate as I loved walking with the dogs and I also drove a lot so life was a bit tough for awhile there. Things improved in the car when we could eventually turn her seat around so she could see out the front but the pram thing remained an issue for her for those early years. She just wasn't happy being pushed around which is ironic because now at 8 she would love it! She also suffers from car sickness now so I'm thinking maybe that's why she hated being in the car, especially when she was backwards!
I tried to maintain a routine which included walking the dogs everyday as I was determined to prove everyone wrong who had said that they would not get a look in when the baby came. In fact they probably got more spoilt after Tahlia came as I was home a lot more instead of working 8 hours a day.
I went back to see my Dr when Tahlia was 10 months and he reminded me I wasn't getting any younger and I should think about putting some embryos back in asap. I still had 5 frozen embryos so didn't have to worry about doing the whole IVF process again which was fabulous. We agreed on the 14th of Dec (what was I thinking? A dry Christmas!) and by Christmas Day I knew I was pregnant again. I stupidly agreed to put 2 embryos in and from the moment I found out I was pregnant I started to panic. What if I had twins? How would I cope with a very active toddler and twins? There was that emotion of fear again! Surprisingly I didn't have a fear of miscarriage this time around, I felt strong and confident that my body had already carried one child to term so why wouldn't it be able to do it again! Fortunately at our first scan there was only one heartbeat so that fear vanished in a second! I had strangely forgotten about that other issue of morning sickness and was rudely awoken one morning at about 6 weeks with that hideous hangover and no vodkas having been consumed!! Oh dear god no! Here we go again.
The sickness was so debilitating
and it was really hard to chase after Tahlia and feel so sick. My only saving grace was that I wasn't working and could stay at home and wallow in my sickness. My mum came over and helped me out as much as she could and I still managed to walk the dogs nearly every day, doing my vomit thing in the park whilst I walked! (Sorry to all the other dog walkers in the park!) Thankfully the sickness didn't last as long as my first and I started to improve at about 6 months. We found out that we were having and boy and we were ecstatic, the perfect family. I was booked in for August 22 and I felt so in control and excited this time around. I knew how hard a caesarean was and I felt fit and healthy and prepared by the time the date came around.
5am and we were up and going to the hospital, the inlaws were at home with Tahlia who was going to day care that day and I felt calm but nervous. The nurse prepared me for theatre and told me I had to have a catheter inserted before I had the epidural. I didn't like the sound of this as last time it happened after I had the epidural so felt nothing. This time around she just stuck it right in there and the unpleasantness was ridiculous. I then had to wait for an hour before being taken down and to say that hour was the longest in my life is an understatement. The feeling of burning in my nether regions was making me feel sick and I just wanted to get in there and get this boy out!
Finally I was taken down and hub was suited up. The anaesthetist explained to me that instead of an epidural that they were going to give me a spinal tap which for some reason was better and I agreed, just happy to stop feeling my burning fanny. My own Dr was doing the Caesar this time around and I felt happy he was there. I remember him and my hub talking about golf and I then started to feel a very strange feeling, I started to feel nauseous
and things started to get a bit dizzy, I grabbed my hubs hand and said, I don't feel right, I feel sick. He just tried to calm me down and patted my head, well that wasn't doing much for me as you can imagine so I said to him, NO I don't feel right. The Dr heard me talking and said, don't worry Katie, we are nearly there, just pulling the little man out now. The next thing you know out came our baby boy screaming and my heart skipped a beat. I then said I'm going to be sick and the nurse quickly put the vomit bucket there just in time. They brought over our healthy baby boy but I couldn't even hold him. Why isn't anyone listening to me I thought, I do not feel normal. HELP ME!! The Dr quickly stitched me up and they wheeled me to recovery where the nurse took one look at me and said, you don't look good honey. HELLO, this is what I have been trying to tell everyone for the past half an hour.
She took my temperature and blood pressure and realised that my temp had dropped dramatically and my blood pressure was going through the roof. She covered me in a silver thermal blanket and rushed to find the Dr, then the vomiting started and it just didn't stop. I vomited so much I ruptured my stitches and the next 6 hours just turned into a blur.
Meanwhile my family and hub and baby were waiting back in the hospital room wondering where I was? Last time I was wheeled back up within an hour, why was it taking so long this time? No one came to see them to tell them what was going on so my hub started to freak, as you would. Eventually they let him bring our baby down to see me and he was quite horrified at the sight of me, I did not look good and I couldn't even think about meeting our new baby boy.
The Drs and nurses were baffled about what was wrong but after many drugs being administered to stop the vomiting, trying to get my temp back up and my blood pressure back down it dawned on them that I may just be allergic to morphine which is the drug administered with the spinal tap. This seemed to be the consensus as I had been scratching myself stupid and this apparently was something you did with morphine. Yay I'm allergic to morphine and they finally figured it out!
I was wheeled back into my room at 4pm in the afternoon after having Flyn at 7am. My parents and hub were there with bubs but the inlaws had gone to pick up Tahlia from daycare and I was still very sick. The look of relief on everyone's faces was priceless. The evening was a blur and I still hadn't held my son. Hub went home to be with Tahlia and my mum stayed with me to look after her baby. Funny how you need your mum so much when you have just had your own baby. By midnight I was feeling better and I started to feel ready to feed Flyn, the poor little thing hadn't had a feed since he was born and I started to panic about bonding with him and the fact he might have been starving. The nurse wheeled him in and it was the most amazing feeling to see him properly for the first time. My gorgeous little man. She said to me, you are one lucky lady, we haven't seen anyone as sick as you here for a long time!
Over the next few days I improved but it was going to take me a lot longer to get over this Caesar considering I had ruptured my stitches and may have caused some permanent damage internally. My Dr came to visit me the next day and apologised for what had happened. He felt terrible and it was just unfortunate I was allergic to the morphine, how could they have known that?
I made sure I mentioned to him that I was unhappy about having the catheter inserted before I was numb from the waist down and he was very upset about that too! Well that makes two of us I said!
I left hospital 6 days later to begin the adventure of raising two kids and although I felt fragile I was so glad we had made it through this rollercoaster and I knew that would be the last time I would be visiting the hospital to have a baby!
Part 3 - Wow this motherhood thing is really hard!
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