So being the mother of a first born child brings many emotions. Of course there are the ones that go without saying, love, joy, pride, relief, they are the good ones. The bad ones can include fear, insecurity, overwhelmment (is that a word even?) I experienced all of these emotions in the first few weeks of bringing our daughter home.
The one emotion that I do remember suffering from quite badly is fear, fear of not being able to protect my child from the world and all the bad things that happen in it. I lay awake at night sobbing quietly to myself because I was so scared of something terrible happening to her or even to me! What If I died and she grew up not having a mother, especially someone as fabulous as me! How would she survive if my husband married someone else who wasn't as funny as me or as clever as me or as gorgeous as me? These things sent me slightly crazy. One particular day comes to mind when my inlaws were visiting from Sydney, my mother in law asked to take the baby for a walk in the pram and I was so reluctant to say yes but I didn't want to look like one of those crazy over protective mothers so I said yes with a little bit of fear in my heart. At the time we lived near a busy street and all I could think of was a car careening off the road and taking my daughter with it. There was an ad on TV at the time which showed that very scene and I kept seeing it in my head. That hour she was gone was the most traumatic I had experienced in years and I really began to think I had a problem.
Fortunately this fear eventually passed and I got along with learning all about newborns. Luckily the breastfeeding thing came quite easily but the sleeping thing, that was a different story. Why don't tired babies just go to sleep? How is it possible to get overtired after only being awake for an hour? These things baffled hub and I and we struggled every night to get her to sleep. Countless hours were spent pacing the tiles and both of us kept the chiropractor busy for a few months. I eventually came to my senses and googled how to get babies to sleep, a book called Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child arrived in the mail and this was my bible. I read it from cover to cover in one day and started the process of getting her to sleep. Within a week we had a different baby, she slept as soon as we put her in the cot and went for a naps without a problem. I honestly believe that is the reason she has always been such a good sleeper, getting those habits right from the beginning was a life saver. Unfortunately it was a different story with her brother who was to come a little later.
Being Tahlia's mother was great but it was also a challenge, she hated being in the pram and also hated being in the car which was unfortunate as I loved walking with the dogs and I also drove a lot so life was a bit tough for awhile there. Things improved in the car when we could eventually turn her seat around so she could see out the front but the pram thing remained an issue for her for those early years. She just wasn't happy being pushed around which is ironic because now at 8 she would love it! She also suffers from car sickness now so I'm thinking maybe that's why she hated being in the car, especially when she was backwards!
I tried to maintain a routine which included walking the dogs everyday as I was determined to prove everyone wrong who had said that they would not get a look in when the baby came. In fact they probably got more spoilt after Tahlia came as I was home a lot more instead of working 8 hours a day.
I went back to see my Dr when Tahlia was 10 months and he reminded me I wasn't getting any younger and I should think about putting some embryos back in asap. I still had 5 frozen embryos so didn't have to worry about doing the whole IVF process again which was fabulous. We agreed on the 14th of Dec (what was I thinking? A dry Christmas!) and by Christmas Day I knew I was pregnant again. I stupidly agreed to put 2 embryos in and from the moment I found out I was pregnant I started to panic. What if I had twins? How would I cope with a very active toddler and twins? There was that emotion of fear again! Surprisingly I didn't have a fear of miscarriage this time around, I felt strong and confident that my body had already carried one child to term so why wouldn't it be able to do it again! Fortunately at our first scan there was only one heartbeat so that fear vanished in a second! I had strangely forgotten about that other issue of morning sickness and was rudely awoken one morning at about 6 weeks with that hideous hangover and no vodkas having been consumed!! Oh dear god no! Here we go again.
The sickness was so debilitating
and it was really hard to chase after Tahlia and feel so sick. My only saving grace was that I wasn't working and could stay at home and wallow in my sickness. My mum came over and helped me out as much as she could and I still managed to walk the dogs nearly every day, doing my vomit thing in the park whilst I walked! (Sorry to all the other dog walkers in the park!) Thankfully the sickness didn't last as long as my first and I started to improve at about 6 months. We found out that we were having and boy and we were ecstatic, the perfect family. I was booked in for August 22 and I felt so in control and excited this time around. I knew how hard a caesarean was and I felt fit and healthy and prepared by the time the date came around.
5am and we were up and going to the hospital, the inlaws were at home with Tahlia who was going to day care that day and I felt calm but nervous. The nurse prepared me for theatre and told me I had to have a catheter inserted before I had the epidural. I didn't like the sound of this as last time it happened after I had the epidural so felt nothing. This time around she just stuck it right in there and the unpleasantness was ridiculous. I then had to wait for an hour before being taken down and to say that hour was the longest in my life is an understatement. The feeling of burning in my nether regions was making me feel sick and I just wanted to get in there and get this boy out!
Finally I was taken down and hub was suited up. The anaesthetist explained to me that instead of an epidural that they were going to give me a spinal tap which for some reason was better and I agreed, just happy to stop feeling my burning fanny. My own Dr was doing the Caesar this time around and I felt happy he was there. I remember him and my hub talking about golf and I then started to feel a very strange feeling, I started to feel nauseous
and things started to get a bit dizzy, I grabbed my hubs hand and said, I don't feel right, I feel sick. He just tried to calm me down and patted my head, well that wasn't doing much for me as you can imagine so I said to him, NO I don't feel right. The Dr heard me talking and said, don't worry Katie, we are nearly there, just pulling the little man out now. The next thing you know out came our baby boy screaming and my heart skipped a beat. I then said I'm going to be sick and the nurse quickly put the vomit bucket there just in time. They brought over our healthy baby boy but I couldn't even hold him. Why isn't anyone listening to me I thought, I do not feel normal. HELP ME!! The Dr quickly stitched me up and they wheeled me to recovery where the nurse took one look at me and said, you don't look good honey. HELLO, this is what I have been trying to tell everyone for the past half an hour.
She took my temperature and blood pressure and realised that my temp had dropped dramatically and my blood pressure was going through the roof. She covered me in a silver thermal blanket and rushed to find the Dr, then the vomiting started and it just didn't stop. I vomited so much I ruptured my stitches and the next 6 hours just turned into a blur.
Meanwhile my family and hub and baby were waiting back in the hospital room wondering where I was? Last time I was wheeled back up within an hour, why was it taking so long this time? No one came to see them to tell them what was going on so my hub started to freak, as you would. Eventually they let him bring our baby down to see me and he was quite horrified at the sight of me, I did not look good and I couldn't even think about meeting our new baby boy.
The Drs and nurses were baffled about what was wrong but after many drugs being administered to stop the vomiting, trying to get my temp back up and my blood pressure back down it dawned on them that I may just be allergic to morphine which is the drug administered with the spinal tap. This seemed to be the consensus as I had been scratching myself stupid and this apparently was something you did with morphine. Yay I'm allergic to morphine and they finally figured it out!
I was wheeled back into my room at 4pm in the afternoon after having Flyn at 7am. My parents and hub were there with bubs but the inlaws had gone to pick up Tahlia from daycare and I was still very sick. The look of relief on everyone's faces was priceless. The evening was a blur and I still hadn't held my son. Hub went home to be with Tahlia and my mum stayed with me to look after her baby. Funny how you need your mum so much when you have just had your own baby. By midnight I was feeling better and I started to feel ready to feed Flyn, the poor little thing hadn't had a feed since he was born and I started to panic about bonding with him and the fact he might have been starving. The nurse wheeled him in and it was the most amazing feeling to see him properly for the first time. My gorgeous little man. She said to me, you are one lucky lady, we haven't seen anyone as sick as you here for a long time!
Over the next few days I improved but it was going to take me a lot longer to get over this Caesar considering I had ruptured my stitches and may have caused some permanent damage internally. My Dr came to visit me the next day and apologised for what had happened. He felt terrible and it was just unfortunate I was allergic to the morphine, how could they have known that?
I made sure I mentioned to him that I was unhappy about having the catheter inserted before I was numb from the waist down and he was very upset about that too! Well that makes two of us I said!
I left hospital 6 days later to begin the adventure of raising two kids and although I felt fragile I was so glad we had made it through this rollercoaster and I knew that would be the last time I would be visiting the hospital to have a baby!
Part 3 - Wow this motherhood thing is really hard!
Wednesday 8 February 2012
Friday 3 February 2012
My first born turned 8 this week. 8 years on a roller coaster of emotions which have been both amusing and surprising. Way back before children I never would have imagined that this journey would have been so fraught with challenges and emotions that I would relate to motherhood. Of course there are all the usual emotions that are natural for any parent and don't even need describing but I will anyway. Joy, pride, elation, relief and of course love, but there are also so many emotions that are not as easy to admit, fear, jealousy, anger, resentment and sometimes even hatred! Yes that's right, I said it, hatred. To explain my emotions I guess I need to start at the beginning of my parenthood journey which was not a normal journey.
Unfortunately my path to pregnancy was not an easy one and luckily my desire to have children kept me going when the path seemed too hard and emotional. Here is where all the emotions start happening.
My hubby and I wanted a baby and we started the journey like most couples, went off the pill and started bonking like crazy. I was 31 at the time. After 6 months with no success I went to an obstetrician and told him I didn't feel my body was normal, I had painful and heavy periods and they were not regular. He didn't really listen to me and told me that most couples fell pregnant after 12 months of trying so go back and keep bonking at the right times of the month. Within that time I decided to see a fertility specialist on the Gold Coast that I had heard great reports about and she told me to take my temperature every morning and drink a hideous herbal concoction that made me dry wretch every morning. After a few months of this torture she told me I had one ovary which was not working properly and to go back and see my obstetrician.
So 12 months after we had started trying to conceive I found myself waiting to go in for an endoscopy, the Dr told me I would be out in about 45 minutes. 3 hours later I was returned to recovery in extreme pain and was told by this Dr that I had chronic endometriosis and that he had had to scrape my entire insides out and that there was no way I would have been able to fall pregnant in that state! Also FYI I had a enlarged ovary so my chances of falling pregnant naturally were halved!
This is where the yukky emotions start, anger, resentment and fear. Why had I not insisted he do this 6 months earlier when I told him that I didn't feel my body was right? This experience made me realise that we do know our bodies better than anybody else and that I needed to be more forceful in the future.
Amazingly 3 months later I was pregnant! The feelings of elation were amazing and we were ecstatic. This was until week 5 when I woke up feeling hungover with no vodkas having been consumed. WTF?? This morning sickness thing was not fun at all. I somehow managed to keep it hidden from my work colleagues for 9 weeks by vomiting in different toilets in a highrise office building to make sure the vomit smell was not just on level 11. It was challenging but I managed, as us women do.
One night I woke up not feeling sick. Ok this was new, I was only 9 weeks and wasn't the sickness thing supposed to be for 12 weeks? I went to the toilet and yes there was blood. Of course I panicked, I knew my body and I didn't feel sick and I knew I had lost the baby even before the nurse told me during the scan the heartbeat was not there.
The devastation emotion kicked in. I had not even thought of a miscarriage prior to this, I didn't realise that this happened so commonly and I had been so focused on being sick I never thought I would lose the little sucker. 9 weeks of sickness all for nothing. Anger, guilt, resentment they all reared their ugly heads.
To help with my loss I bought a puppy. Animals were my great love and this little puppy helped ease the pain. We also moved states so I could be back home with my family, I realised that I needed my mum through this journey and who knew how long a journey it would be.
I found a new Dr who was so much nicer than the old one and I wrote him a history of what had happened already in my quest to have a baby. He sat and read my essay quietly for a few minutes then said, lets book you in for another endoscopy next week my girl, you are not getting any younger so we need to get you a baby asap. I loved this Dr already!
The endoscopy revealed the endometriosis had come back and that the bung ovary was not looking good. He cleaned me out as best he good and came to see me in recovery. "Listen Katie, I don't think you will ever fall pregnant naturally due to too much scarring in there so lets talk about IVF."
I started IVF on the 1st of January 2003. I was very lucky to have 12 good embryos which is a magnificent result so says my Dr. My first attempt to get pregnant was not successful, disappointment. My second attempt was successful but they warned me it didn't look good and 5 days later I was bleeding. I knew my body and I hadn't felt pregnant so my mind had told me not to get excited when the results came back positive. Of course I had been right and it didn't stick. Thankfully my emotions were ok for this one. I was starting to get used to this rollercoaster. On the 3rd go with the frozen embryos I had a good feeling and sure enough I started to feel pregnant so when the results came back positive I already knew. Unfortunately this was when the fear started. The fear of miscarriage. Every time I went to the toilet I panicked, blood? No, oh thank god. Then of course the sickness came at week 5, the sickness was worse than any hangover you can imagine and its not morning sickness, its all day sickness.
At our first scan we were amazed to find out there were 2 foetus, Twins. Elation would best describe my emotion at this time mixed with fear and horror! Of course we knew twins was a possibility considering we had put 2 embryos in there but to actually imagine having twins, well that was scary.
I was so lucky my employers were a small family owned business and understood my morning sickness, unfortunately there was only 1 level here and 1 set of toilets so I wasn't able to share my spewing around!
The fear of miscarriage was still hanging around and when I discovered blood at 8 weeks of course I thought the worst. Panic mode swept in and we rushed to the clinic. During the scan we found out we had lost one of the babies. My emotions were so confused during this time, my disappointment was drowned out by relief that we still had one baby. My grief was being smothered by my happiness and I felt guilty that I wasn't sadder about losing one.
Of course my sickness continued, 8 months of pure torture, why wasn't it ending? I felt so useless, I couldn't function properly, I remember walking my dog and vomiting as I walked around the park, just stepping to one side and chucking up. My husband soldiered on and ran the house. We both prayed for the day it would end. It didn't. I finished work on December 24th 2004. It was the happiest day, my employers had been so understanding and I was so grateful to them for enduring my sickness and lack of motivation. If only every pregnant ladies employers could be the same.
We were booked in to be induced on the 2nd of Feb 2005. On the 31st of January my waters broke. Now I had heard about waters breaking but I wasn't sure that a constant fountain of water was supposed to happen? Nothing would stop it, the towel I had between my legs on the way to the hospital was soaked, I hadn't had any contractions but my body didn't feel right. A sense of panic set in. The Dr on duty came to see me and check me out, 2 centre metres dilated but why wouldn't this water stop flowing? A scan revealed my baby's head was tilted so far backwards that her head wasn't in the birth canal to stop the water. This was a problem and I was so scared. Please don't let 8 months of sickness be a waste. My Dr was not available so I had to deal with a stranger, he didn't know my journey, he didn't know my struggles. It was brought to his attention that this baby was conceived via IVF and for some reason he decided that because of this he would get it out asap via a caesarean. I wondered if he would have let me try a natural birth if I had fallen pregnant naturally? I was baffled but happy it was going to be coming out sooner rather than later. Exactly 30 Minutes later I was getting my tummy cut open and my daughter was born. She came out screaming and I would have been screaming too if my little face had been so scrunched up. Her poor head had been pushed up against my uterus and her nose was so flat she looked Japanese. She was ok and amazingly my sickness was gone. I felt normal, absolutely normal, oh except I couldn't feel my legs but who cares! I didn't feel sick. I was elated, I had a daughter and I didn't feel sick anymore.
My pregnancy journey was over, my struggles were all but forgotten, my motherhood journey was about to begin and I was feeling every emotion possible. Infact I was a huge ball of emotion and little did I realise this journey was going to be the biggest roller coaster I had ever been on.
Part 2, baby number 2 comes and the rollercoaster of emotions continues
Unfortunately my path to pregnancy was not an easy one and luckily my desire to have children kept me going when the path seemed too hard and emotional. Here is where all the emotions start happening.
My hubby and I wanted a baby and we started the journey like most couples, went off the pill and started bonking like crazy. I was 31 at the time. After 6 months with no success I went to an obstetrician and told him I didn't feel my body was normal, I had painful and heavy periods and they were not regular. He didn't really listen to me and told me that most couples fell pregnant after 12 months of trying so go back and keep bonking at the right times of the month. Within that time I decided to see a fertility specialist on the Gold Coast that I had heard great reports about and she told me to take my temperature every morning and drink a hideous herbal concoction that made me dry wretch every morning. After a few months of this torture she told me I had one ovary which was not working properly and to go back and see my obstetrician.
So 12 months after we had started trying to conceive I found myself waiting to go in for an endoscopy, the Dr told me I would be out in about 45 minutes. 3 hours later I was returned to recovery in extreme pain and was told by this Dr that I had chronic endometriosis and that he had had to scrape my entire insides out and that there was no way I would have been able to fall pregnant in that state! Also FYI I had a enlarged ovary so my chances of falling pregnant naturally were halved!
This is where the yukky emotions start, anger, resentment and fear. Why had I not insisted he do this 6 months earlier when I told him that I didn't feel my body was right? This experience made me realise that we do know our bodies better than anybody else and that I needed to be more forceful in the future.
Amazingly 3 months later I was pregnant! The feelings of elation were amazing and we were ecstatic. This was until week 5 when I woke up feeling hungover with no vodkas having been consumed. WTF?? This morning sickness thing was not fun at all. I somehow managed to keep it hidden from my work colleagues for 9 weeks by vomiting in different toilets in a highrise office building to make sure the vomit smell was not just on level 11. It was challenging but I managed, as us women do.
One night I woke up not feeling sick. Ok this was new, I was only 9 weeks and wasn't the sickness thing supposed to be for 12 weeks? I went to the toilet and yes there was blood. Of course I panicked, I knew my body and I didn't feel sick and I knew I had lost the baby even before the nurse told me during the scan the heartbeat was not there.
The devastation emotion kicked in. I had not even thought of a miscarriage prior to this, I didn't realise that this happened so commonly and I had been so focused on being sick I never thought I would lose the little sucker. 9 weeks of sickness all for nothing. Anger, guilt, resentment they all reared their ugly heads.
To help with my loss I bought a puppy. Animals were my great love and this little puppy helped ease the pain. We also moved states so I could be back home with my family, I realised that I needed my mum through this journey and who knew how long a journey it would be.
I found a new Dr who was so much nicer than the old one and I wrote him a history of what had happened already in my quest to have a baby. He sat and read my essay quietly for a few minutes then said, lets book you in for another endoscopy next week my girl, you are not getting any younger so we need to get you a baby asap. I loved this Dr already!
The endoscopy revealed the endometriosis had come back and that the bung ovary was not looking good. He cleaned me out as best he good and came to see me in recovery. "Listen Katie, I don't think you will ever fall pregnant naturally due to too much scarring in there so lets talk about IVF."
I started IVF on the 1st of January 2003. I was very lucky to have 12 good embryos which is a magnificent result so says my Dr. My first attempt to get pregnant was not successful, disappointment. My second attempt was successful but they warned me it didn't look good and 5 days later I was bleeding. I knew my body and I hadn't felt pregnant so my mind had told me not to get excited when the results came back positive. Of course I had been right and it didn't stick. Thankfully my emotions were ok for this one. I was starting to get used to this rollercoaster. On the 3rd go with the frozen embryos I had a good feeling and sure enough I started to feel pregnant so when the results came back positive I already knew. Unfortunately this was when the fear started. The fear of miscarriage. Every time I went to the toilet I panicked, blood? No, oh thank god. Then of course the sickness came at week 5, the sickness was worse than any hangover you can imagine and its not morning sickness, its all day sickness.
At our first scan we were amazed to find out there were 2 foetus, Twins. Elation would best describe my emotion at this time mixed with fear and horror! Of course we knew twins was a possibility considering we had put 2 embryos in there but to actually imagine having twins, well that was scary.
I was so lucky my employers were a small family owned business and understood my morning sickness, unfortunately there was only 1 level here and 1 set of toilets so I wasn't able to share my spewing around!
The fear of miscarriage was still hanging around and when I discovered blood at 8 weeks of course I thought the worst. Panic mode swept in and we rushed to the clinic. During the scan we found out we had lost one of the babies. My emotions were so confused during this time, my disappointment was drowned out by relief that we still had one baby. My grief was being smothered by my happiness and I felt guilty that I wasn't sadder about losing one.
Of course my sickness continued, 8 months of pure torture, why wasn't it ending? I felt so useless, I couldn't function properly, I remember walking my dog and vomiting as I walked around the park, just stepping to one side and chucking up. My husband soldiered on and ran the house. We both prayed for the day it would end. It didn't. I finished work on December 24th 2004. It was the happiest day, my employers had been so understanding and I was so grateful to them for enduring my sickness and lack of motivation. If only every pregnant ladies employers could be the same.
We were booked in to be induced on the 2nd of Feb 2005. On the 31st of January my waters broke. Now I had heard about waters breaking but I wasn't sure that a constant fountain of water was supposed to happen? Nothing would stop it, the towel I had between my legs on the way to the hospital was soaked, I hadn't had any contractions but my body didn't feel right. A sense of panic set in. The Dr on duty came to see me and check me out, 2 centre metres dilated but why wouldn't this water stop flowing? A scan revealed my baby's head was tilted so far backwards that her head wasn't in the birth canal to stop the water. This was a problem and I was so scared. Please don't let 8 months of sickness be a waste. My Dr was not available so I had to deal with a stranger, he didn't know my journey, he didn't know my struggles. It was brought to his attention that this baby was conceived via IVF and for some reason he decided that because of this he would get it out asap via a caesarean. I wondered if he would have let me try a natural birth if I had fallen pregnant naturally? I was baffled but happy it was going to be coming out sooner rather than later. Exactly 30 Minutes later I was getting my tummy cut open and my daughter was born. She came out screaming and I would have been screaming too if my little face had been so scrunched up. Her poor head had been pushed up against my uterus and her nose was so flat she looked Japanese. She was ok and amazingly my sickness was gone. I felt normal, absolutely normal, oh except I couldn't feel my legs but who cares! I didn't feel sick. I was elated, I had a daughter and I didn't feel sick anymore.
My pregnancy journey was over, my struggles were all but forgotten, my motherhood journey was about to begin and I was feeling every emotion possible. Infact I was a huge ball of emotion and little did I realise this journey was going to be the biggest roller coaster I had ever been on.
Part 2, baby number 2 comes and the rollercoaster of emotions continues
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