Ok so today was my first Mother's Day as a single mum and to say it sucked pretty badly is an understatement. I guess I could say it was mostly my fault that it sucked but there are so many little things to consider when you are starting life as single mum that it seems like a political minefield to organise a peaceful and happy day to celebrate yourself.
Firstly my ex's family are all here in the same state for a holiday and it had been suggested we would all go for a big Mother's Day lunch with my family and his just like old times but due to a few things that have happened over the past few months I didn't really want to spend the day with my ex-inlaws and my ex-husband as I felt it might ruin my mood and there could be underlying tensions that I didn't really feel like dealing with on Mother's day. After all, it was my decision to end the marriage so I wasn't sure how our first meeting would go being in the same room together. (luckily my fears were not necessary and everything was completely normal when we did eventually see each other).
The second reason it sucked was because my kids weren't with me when I woke up and again this was kind of my fault as I had been out on a girls night the night before for a close friend who had arrived from overseas and this night was the only time we could all go out so my kids were on a sleepover at the in-laws and therefore not with me to make me a well deserved (terrible) breakfast in bed when I woke up. #fail
Thirdly, what are the rules for Ex's assisting with children to help them buy Mother's day or even Father's Day presents these days? I would imagine in an amicable break up, that the ex is still required to take the kids shopping and sling them maybe $10 bucks each to buy the ex-partner a nice coffee mug or unwanted body lotion. Does this seem unreasonable? I think not. Of course I understand if the ex partners hate each others guts then that would be unreasonable but in this case I'm thinking I got ripped off....
And lastly the final reason why my Mother's day sucked is because I have a 12 year old, moody, hormonal and lazy daughter who thinks that every day is about her and who cannot be bothered to stop watching her stupid Youtube channels to take 5 minutes to make me a home made card, or help me make dinner, or put her folding away or clean her room or put her 10 glasses away from her room....the list goes on people!!!!
Anyway, I will remember this day for the shitteous day that it was and make sure I organise something much more fabulous myself next year!
I hope you all out there had a better day than me
xxx
Sunday 8 May 2016
Sunday 27 March 2016
The single mum phase has begun
I thought it was about time I gave you all an update on how things are doing since my last blog which was pretty raw and pretty shocking to a lot of people. It has definitely been a difficult time in my life and probably when I think about it, the most difficult time I've ever faced in my 46 years.
In my last post which you can read here I told you about my decision to end my marriage after 17 years of being together and how I had so much ahead of me to deal with and now as I sit here in my new rental house by myself whilst the kids are at their dads it really has dawned on me how much I have gone through in the past few months.
Ending a marriage is probably one of most stressful things you can ever go through, I really wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy but to live life being constantly unhappy is something no human should have to endure and to make the decision to end it is incredibly brave. For people who are involved in marriages that are volatile and violent it's a no brainer to end that situation if they can but to end a marriage that has no conflict, no ups and downs, no drama its a different story, one that takes a lot of courage and a lot of soul searching especially when kids are involved.
After one week of being by myself I feel I have made the right decision. As much as the lead up to moving and physically separating was the most stressful of my life, I feel a kind of peace and contentment which I haven't felt for a long time. Yes we are still getting used to being apart and trying to work out a schedule with the kids and its all a bit of a juggling act but I know in time that will work out and even though I did cry today when I dropped my daughter back to her dads I think that may have had something to do with the fact I had just spent 2 hours shopping with her which is a HELL in itself and not because I actually miss her! (and I maybe premenstrual which explains itself really).
There are a lot of things that I'm scared about, am I going to manage financially, am I going to be lonely, will my kids be ok mentally growing up with divorced parents, will I regret my decision one day? So many questions constantly run through my head but I have such a huge support network with friends from so many different groups I know they will always be there to build me up and help me move forward. Twitter friends, Facebook and Instagram friends, Photography friends, work friends and friends I've known for many years have all reached out and given me strength whether its been from a uplifting tweet, a private message or in real life, the support has been overwhelming and calming. I've never felt more loved and supported in my whole life than I do right now.
So I wanted to thank you all for being there for me these past few months, whether its just been listening to me rant on Twitter, reading my updates on Facebook, sending me love in any way shape or form I appreciate every single last one of you. Couldn't have gotten here without all the love.
Thank you xx
In my last post which you can read here I told you about my decision to end my marriage after 17 years of being together and how I had so much ahead of me to deal with and now as I sit here in my new rental house by myself whilst the kids are at their dads it really has dawned on me how much I have gone through in the past few months.
Ending a marriage is probably one of most stressful things you can ever go through, I really wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy but to live life being constantly unhappy is something no human should have to endure and to make the decision to end it is incredibly brave. For people who are involved in marriages that are volatile and violent it's a no brainer to end that situation if they can but to end a marriage that has no conflict, no ups and downs, no drama its a different story, one that takes a lot of courage and a lot of soul searching especially when kids are involved.
After one week of being by myself I feel I have made the right decision. As much as the lead up to moving and physically separating was the most stressful of my life, I feel a kind of peace and contentment which I haven't felt for a long time. Yes we are still getting used to being apart and trying to work out a schedule with the kids and its all a bit of a juggling act but I know in time that will work out and even though I did cry today when I dropped my daughter back to her dads I think that may have had something to do with the fact I had just spent 2 hours shopping with her which is a HELL in itself and not because I actually miss her! (and I maybe premenstrual which explains itself really).
There are a lot of things that I'm scared about, am I going to manage financially, am I going to be lonely, will my kids be ok mentally growing up with divorced parents, will I regret my decision one day? So many questions constantly run through my head but I have such a huge support network with friends from so many different groups I know they will always be there to build me up and help me move forward. Twitter friends, Facebook and Instagram friends, Photography friends, work friends and friends I've known for many years have all reached out and given me strength whether its been from a uplifting tweet, a private message or in real life, the support has been overwhelming and calming. I've never felt more loved and supported in my whole life than I do right now.
So I wanted to thank you all for being there for me these past few months, whether its just been listening to me rant on Twitter, reading my updates on Facebook, sending me love in any way shape or form I appreciate every single last one of you. Couldn't have gotten here without all the love.
Thank you xx
Saturday 9 January 2016
Facing the realities of separation
Hey guys, so yes its been awhile, over 12 months actually which seems insane to me. How could 2015 have gone by so quickly? I felt like we just blinked and it was Christmas again. Crazy times.
So 2015 was a strange year for me, I definitely had a mid life crisis at 46 and now I'm starting 2016 as a single mum after making the huge decision to separate from my husband of 14 years. Wow, I said it, I'm now a single mum with so many fears in front of me but also a lot of hope and excitement.
You see, I've not been happily married for many years now, I can't really remember the last time I was happily married and when I look at old memories that keep popping up on Facebook it gives me a shock to think about how long I was living a lie. The thing is, my life was not bad at all, in fact it was a pretty good life, my kids are healthy and happy, my husband is a lovely man, great father and all round wonderful bloke and we lived a pretty comfortable existence but in my heart I've been lacking something for many years. Lacking a connection, lacking a spark, missing the incredibly important parts of a marriage of wanting to be with my husband, wanting to spend time with him, wanting to have sex with him wanting to make a happy family life with him. All those things have been weighing heavily on my heart for many years now and it finally hit me, I'm 46, 4 years to 50, so close to not ever experiencing those things again and I knew I had to be brave and live my life for me. Time was running out.
After 5 years of trying to make it work, visiting Dr's, therapists, naturopaths, constantly whinging to my closest friends about how unhappy I was I finally told my husband I couldn't do it any more. It wasn't a surprise to him, we had discussed it numerous times before but we had always swept it under the mat, fearing the consequences and the impact it would have on our children. We both didn't want to face the fact that we were both incredibly unhappy. But how long can one be unhappy for before they lose their mind? Sure alcohol helps and the random flirtation at work is always fun but at the end of the day living life unhappy really sucks.
We decided not to tell our children until after Christmas and we officially decided to separate in September so it was a long few months of living a lie. Sleeping in the same bed, pretending everything was rosy when underneath it our hearts were breaking. We did tell close friends and we had a lot of support and advice which were all taken gratefully but the fear of telling the kids after Christmas was something we felt physically sick about. They had never seen us argue or fight, we never raised our voices to each other, we were and still are good friends so we knew it would come as a big shock to them.
How do you tell your kids you're separating without breaking their hearts? Well honestly, you can't. Unless of course you both hate each other and are constantly fighting and yelling and the kids are praying for it to end, but when you are friends it is impossible to do it without hours of tears and screaming and yelling about how could this be real? How could we do this to them? Why can't we love each other any more? The emotional nightmare still lives in my mind from that dreaded night. And then of course you have to tell them that separating means selling their beloved house, moving into separate houses, renting, living in complexes, juggling time between mum and dad, trying to work out a routine, it really is the ultimate cluster fuck. But also there is a feeling of relief, relief that we can now finally move forward, stop living a lie, get on with our own lives, maybe even meet someone we want to be with and fall in love with (although that sounds so damn strange right now).
So yes the next few months will be tough and I'm sure there will be many more tears yet to be cried from all of us but when I think about staying how things were, living in an existence where I had no spark, no connection and no fulfilment it makes me smile just a little to think about what may happen in all of our futures.
So 2015 was a strange year for me, I definitely had a mid life crisis at 46 and now I'm starting 2016 as a single mum after making the huge decision to separate from my husband of 14 years. Wow, I said it, I'm now a single mum with so many fears in front of me but also a lot of hope and excitement.
You see, I've not been happily married for many years now, I can't really remember the last time I was happily married and when I look at old memories that keep popping up on Facebook it gives me a shock to think about how long I was living a lie. The thing is, my life was not bad at all, in fact it was a pretty good life, my kids are healthy and happy, my husband is a lovely man, great father and all round wonderful bloke and we lived a pretty comfortable existence but in my heart I've been lacking something for many years. Lacking a connection, lacking a spark, missing the incredibly important parts of a marriage of wanting to be with my husband, wanting to spend time with him, wanting to have sex with him wanting to make a happy family life with him. All those things have been weighing heavily on my heart for many years now and it finally hit me, I'm 46, 4 years to 50, so close to not ever experiencing those things again and I knew I had to be brave and live my life for me. Time was running out.
After 5 years of trying to make it work, visiting Dr's, therapists, naturopaths, constantly whinging to my closest friends about how unhappy I was I finally told my husband I couldn't do it any more. It wasn't a surprise to him, we had discussed it numerous times before but we had always swept it under the mat, fearing the consequences and the impact it would have on our children. We both didn't want to face the fact that we were both incredibly unhappy. But how long can one be unhappy for before they lose their mind? Sure alcohol helps and the random flirtation at work is always fun but at the end of the day living life unhappy really sucks.
We decided not to tell our children until after Christmas and we officially decided to separate in September so it was a long few months of living a lie. Sleeping in the same bed, pretending everything was rosy when underneath it our hearts were breaking. We did tell close friends and we had a lot of support and advice which were all taken gratefully but the fear of telling the kids after Christmas was something we felt physically sick about. They had never seen us argue or fight, we never raised our voices to each other, we were and still are good friends so we knew it would come as a big shock to them.
How do you tell your kids you're separating without breaking their hearts? Well honestly, you can't. Unless of course you both hate each other and are constantly fighting and yelling and the kids are praying for it to end, but when you are friends it is impossible to do it without hours of tears and screaming and yelling about how could this be real? How could we do this to them? Why can't we love each other any more? The emotional nightmare still lives in my mind from that dreaded night. And then of course you have to tell them that separating means selling their beloved house, moving into separate houses, renting, living in complexes, juggling time between mum and dad, trying to work out a routine, it really is the ultimate cluster fuck. But also there is a feeling of relief, relief that we can now finally move forward, stop living a lie, get on with our own lives, maybe even meet someone we want to be with and fall in love with (although that sounds so damn strange right now).
So yes the next few months will be tough and I'm sure there will be many more tears yet to be cried from all of us but when I think about staying how things were, living in an existence where I had no spark, no connection and no fulfilment it makes me smile just a little to think about what may happen in all of our futures.
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