Yes I did it again, I fell for a guy who wasn't who I thought he was and now I'm wondering if it really is me with the problem or am I just doomed when it comes to meeting decent men?
This guy seemed different, he really did, the first few weeks were the most intense I've ever experienced with a man and I fell hard but something changed and the last few weeks were hellish and I can't help but wonder; Am I the problem? Am I just hopeless at relationships after 4 years of being single? Maybe, but also I wanted to make it work and I wanted to fall in love and perhaps that is my problem, I try too hard to fix things that aren't working just because I want to be successful and to say; "Look World, I can have a proper relationship!"
I also do know that if it's meant to be it will be and I have to keep telling myself that to make myself feel better after another shit experience. And I do know that some people just don't work together so if it's not working then you have to move on but you still get sad when it fails because when you start on a new adventure that starts off so well you always want it to work and admitting failure after such a short time is heartbreaking.
The one thing I do know is that I'm not nuts, in fact I'm probably the most non nutty person you would meet so when someone accuses me of being nuts that is my cue to walk away. I wont beg for attention from anyone (except my cats) and when you're made to feel that you are the one with the problem and you know in your heart that it's not you then its over.
So people, please trust your gut no matter how much you like someone, if your gut tells you there is something not right then it's not right. And yes, sometimes you have to get to the point where you are ready to walk away on your own terms, even when your friends are urging you to leave and this point is always different for everyone but also remember no person is worth a feeling of anxiety or insecurity. Relationships are meant to feel good even when you do have a disagreement, you are supposed to grow and learn from each other and if you love each other you will learn to compromise.
So another lesson learnt for me, another little scar to heal in my heart but I am always going to be open to falling in love again because we all deserve to be loved unconditionally!
In the meantime, the cats and I will be celebrating Valentines day together tomorrow because they never call me nuts...
