Tomorrow my gorgeous Gusband (gay husband) is burying his mother. I wish I could be there with him but unfortunately my real life of being a working mother has prevented it. He is probably glad I'm not going as I'm absolutely dreadful at funerals. I don't even have to be close to the deceased to bawl my eyes out. As soon as the priest welcomes us into the church I start crying, can't control it. Its kind of embarrassing really.
I am very lucky then, that in my 42 years I have probably only been to 10 funerals. When I think about how my gusband is feeling at the moment, it breaks my heart. It hurts so badly I can't even imagine how awful he must be feeling. If it was me in his shoes I would be an absolute plotsky mess. My mum is my best friend so to lose at her such a young age would be incomprehensible. Attending the funeral of a loved one is probably one of the hardest things in life we have to face.
I have lost both sets of my grandparents but as I wasn't very close to them my sadness was more for my parents than for actually losing my grandparents. Each of their funerals were difficult but not as much as the funeral I attended of one of my best friends from my early twenties. She had been murdered in America and the situation was extremely delicate as the circumstances of the event had not been solved yet so we were all distraught and confused. Her family asked me to say the Eulogy which was beyond daunting but I felt I had to do it to honour my friend, turned out to be the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.
I remember the day clearly, I had flown in from Sydney and mum picked me up at the airport and of course wanted me to read to her what I had prepared. I could hardly read it to mum in the car let alone read it in front of hundreds of people without breaking down. I was sweating like a pig and felt like vomiting, it was a feeling I had never experienced before.
Once we got to the church all I can remember is saying to myself; 'breath woman, breath'. When it was my turn to talk I somehow found the inner strength to get to the podium and managed to get through the eulogy with grace and I even managed to get some laughs from the crowd! As soon as I spoke the last words my body crumbled and I had to be assisted back to my chair but the feeling of relief and elation that I managed to do it was awesome. I had honoured my beautiful friend and it was an amazing feeling to do that for her.
To think about attending one of my parents funerals and reading a eulogy is possibly the worst thought I could imagine. How do people do it?
I hope my gusband is ok tomorrow, I told him it's going to be the worst day of his life but I know he can get through it and if he feels like falling down, to imagine me there with him, holding him up and giving him inner strength. I love his guts
xx
